do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark
in the hopeless swaps of the not-quite, the not-yet, and the not-at-all
do not let the hero in your soul perish in lonely frustration
for the life you deserved and have never been able to reach
the world you desire can be won
it exists.. it is real.. it is possible.. it's yours.

ayn rand - atlas shrugged

our days left here are numbered… the five years in university shall pass just like that… i'm not sure whether my five years in secondary or my five years here were better… they were vastly different… life was probably less complicated back then… young adults get more stress than teens i guess… perhaps a quarter-life crisis?

as the years passed… so much has changed… first year was pretty exciting for me… my friend(s) and i would take the bus from our hostel to taman u almost nightly for world cup matches… snooker… and counterstrike… i was definitely enjoying my newfound freedom then… there was just so much enthusiasm back then… taking the bus to city square come weekends… borrowing my friends' cars to hang out some of the time… although i did a whole lot of walking and bus-catching around campus rain or shine… they weren't all that bad when i look back now… even with the sucky food i could barely tolerate… at least i wasn't as jaded as i am now…

most if not all of the chinese moved out and stayed in rented houses in second year… which meant no curfews, unhygienic toilets and irritating wake-up calls… more friends had cars … which meant more shopping and clubbing… lan games were the norm with seven coursemates under one roof… we had so much enthusiasm back then… making an impromptu two-hour drive to malacca at ten on a saturday night just to party… joining the mad crowd spraying confetti and foam during christmas at orchard… partying from night till morn for new year's… yeah we did have a great time…

in third year i started blogging even though there wasn't any broadband yet in my house… cict and some telecommunications lab were the places to get my internet fix at night… after awhile i finally got my line and bittorrent was running 24/7… the good old days of unthrottled bandwidth… i got my first electric guitar and amp too… and our band was high-pass filter back then… with a different lineup no doubt… and i also began to dig deeper into the world of progressive rock… with dream theater being my favourite…

i added the korg to my collection of music gear in the beginning of fourth year… and serpent came to life after a couple of auditions for the drummer and vocalist positions… we were jamming so much back then… whether in studios or waking the neighbous with our drunken solos… participating in two band competitions brought serpent and a few local bands closer… we even went to record in singapore… but when the second semester came things slowed down a little though… and i began to lose my old happier self…

at last… it's our final year… needless to say… i became even more jaded with the usual routine… we had some enjoyable trips to kukup, genting, singapore and malacca though… and on the whole i really had a lot of precious moments to savour… but those times didn't last as long as i hoped… much as i wanted them to… some things slipped away… and i don't know if i should have any regrets… i usually don't…

as a five-year-long chapter draws to a close… another uncertain one awaits…

it's hard to kick the addiction off even though i know very well it's bad… being dependent is a sign of weakness… which is somethin' i wished i didn't have… i know very well that the road leads to nowhere… at least its not headed to the place i have been dreaming about… but that doesn't mean i should stop travelling this way… for it would be in total contradiction of what i've said before… i gave my word and i shall keep to it…

the truth is… i see only goodness coming out from wherever the path ends… it's just a matter of how well i wake up to reality… i know what's true and what isn't… the problem lies in the fact that i always wish for somethin' too far away… and i'm hooked to this self-destructing habit…

the archery game yesterday was… in many ways… reflective of how life is for most of us… despite all the hard work that we put in… we do not get the results that we would have liked… and our true objectives are not realised…

many a time… people don't get what they deserve… and deserve what they get… take for example… the diligent student who is constantly careless in his exams… the hardworking employee who goes unnoticed except when she screws up… and the kind-hearted soul who is always misjudged and prejudiced against…

all of us have our high-flyin' ambitions… but what happens when we fail to achieve our desired target? are we strong enough to pick ourselves up and try again? i might be wrong but i feel that failure is the leading cause of stress… failure in coping with the workload… failure in meeting the high expectations of others…

it would be motivational for me to say that no target is impossible to reach… however… realistically speaking… there are various limiting factors to hinder everyone's aims… and not all of them can be overcome…

as the serenity prayer by reinhold niebuhr goes… Lord… grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change… the courage to change the things I can… and the wisdom to know the difference

hardships are inescapable… at every corner you take… new ones will arise… whichever path you choose… whatever life you were born into… it may be true that the luckier among us would have less to worry about… but how far can anyone really run from their problems… even with all the riches in the world?

the faithful will say that the One will provide… but in the real world as it is… millions are homeless and hungry… injustice and oppression are rife everywhere… the powerful have made this world a hell for the weak and powerless… and judging from the past and present state of affairs… there doesn't seem to be an end to suffering in this place… not in many years or centuries to come…

most of us are more fortunate… at least we're not sleepin' under the bridge feeding off leftovers… instead… we've got tertiary education and a seemingly promising future… however is everythin' smooth-sailin'? far from it… i don't deny that we should always count our blessings… but as we all know… there's always somethin' to worry about… the future is uncertain… and there'll always be adversaries who will bring you down… these are the things that we'll all have to battle with throughout the journey…

the harsh realities of life…

what's the antidote for constant negativity? i can't seem to remember the last time everything was just at its right place… or have those days passed… never to return? there it is… pessimism yet again…

is there actually a problem or is it a matter of perception? if i could take a positive approach then it'd probably lead to a good solution… but the root of it all is not as clear-cut as i'd like it to be… or is it?

a mishmash of activities in the cerebral cortex… that's what it is…

i've had my fair share of angst over the past half year… well… it wasn't a huge thing really… but it did have its effects during its time… but anyway… so did a number of other friends… whom i have supported at some point or other… well… i'm not sure if i'm a good fixer but i certainly prefer to lend a helping hand to those in need rather than be the one who needs a fix… emotional not drugs…

i've had my share of listenin' to quite a few sob stories in the recent past… literally… and after lending an ear to their cries… and sharing my thoughts… there's a sense of fulfilment knowing that i have tried to ease their burden… and hopefully i've suceeded in doing it…

forgive me if i sound like i'm giving too much credit to myself… but all i'm tryin' to say is that i truly wanna try to fix somethin' if it's broken… cos as they say… life's too short to be brooding around… and i'm sure no one would do nothin' and just watch a friend in distress…

in times of grief… in times of disappointment… people tend to get all messed up and irrational… each individual to different extents… and it definitely helps to have a guide in these times… for when the mind isn't thinkin' straight… undesirable things happen…

so… stretch out your hand… go out of your way… and mend a broken soul… cos it's better to give than to receive…